


All the way (Tell me now you know)

by targaryen_melodrama



Series: When the rest of me is down [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, POV Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:45:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17401130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/targaryen_melodrama/pseuds/targaryen_melodrama
Summary: “When we talked about your goals last week, and about the things that would make you happy, what did you say?”“I said that I wanted...I wanted to get better and spend more time with my family. I want to get back in contact with Riley’s folks. And I want...I want to be with Bucky.”





	All the way (Tell me now you know)

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'ed, feel free to point out typos etc.

It’s kind of funny, when Sam thinks about it. Kind of.

As a kid, people could not get him to shut up. The one consistent thing in his report cards was the fact that he could not stop talking. _Sam is a sweet, bright young man, but he can’t stop the cross-talk in class. Sam is a good student and a pleasure to have in class_ 一 _he just needs to stop disturbing his classmates with chatter_.

As a grown man with bills to pay and a persistent ache in his back, he’s paid to talk to people. Being a counselor means he speaks to them for a very specific reason and in a very specific way, yes, but he’s paid to talk nonetheless.

So it really is quite funny that now that for the first time in years something good feels within his reach, he can’t quite grab it because he can’t talk about it. He can’t open his mouth and _ask_.

 _Do you want me to come by ?_ , Bucky had texted him earlier today, and Sam still hadn’t answered.

Ghosting people is rude, but this isn’t his fault. The last time he’d seen Bucky at Steve’s birthday party, things had almost gotten out of hand. Whatever the fuck Thor had put in the punch had hit him pretty hard, and he’d forgotten himself. Leaned into Bucky like he had any right to, touched his hand and his hair like he wasn’t the one who’d made them slow down, like he wasn’t the one putting a potential relationship on hold.

And it’s not that Bucky doesn’t want it. Sam knows what Bucky wants. Sam knows what _he_ wants.

But he just can’t do it. He hasn’t been able to ask Bucky to make this into...into something. He hasn’t asked Bucky to _stay_. And if he can’t even push all of his bullshit aside for the guy he has feelings for, if he can’t face the truth unless he’s drunk, then what’s the point?

“While I do think you should be able to talk about certain things sober, I don’t think that’s what this is about, Sam.”

Sam looks up, slightly startled. He’d written down this entire thing on his phone before his appointment with Doctor Miller一 _Aaron_ , she wanted him to call her Aaron一but of all the answers he anticipated, this wasn’t one of them.

“What?”

“When we talked about your goals last week, and about the things that would make you happy, what did you say?”

“I said that I wanted...I wanted to get better and spend more time with my family. I want to get back in contact with Riley’s folks. And I want...I want to be with Bucky.”

“Right. And what would that look like, being with Bucky?”

Sam’s throat feels tight, and he has to clear his throat before he can speak.

“Being with Buck would look like...like coming home to him. Like running errands with him. Like cooking together, and spending time together and being happy with him. I一I want to be happy. I think I can be happy. Not just with him, but also一also with him.”

“Sounds pretty serious,” Aaron says with a soft smile. Her face is empathetic, but there’s no pity there, only understanding. It’s exactly why he’d agreed to come back after their first session, a few months ago. “And I think that might be what’s worrying you. Am I right?”

“Yeah," Sam says, realizing just how true that is as he says the words. "Yeah, I think you might be right.”

“Well okay, Sam. We can work with that. Do you want to?”

Wanting was never the problem, is the thing. Sam wants so much he can feel it moving inside him, from the top of his head to the sole of his feet.

He takes a deep breath, thinks, for just a moment, of everything he’d gain, everything he’d get to keep if he didn’t confront this.

After a moment, he has his answer.

“I do.”

***

The scripts and scenarios Sam and Aaron had prepared a few weeks ago don’t do anything to calm down Sam’s heart, even though he has a few minutes to be alone. Bucky’s in his kitchen grabbing beers and putting together a few snacks, because even as a guest, the guy never stops wanting to do things for Sam.

Is it any wonder Sam’s in this situation? Tongue-tied, head over heels, and terrified?

“There,” Bucky says as he walks in the living room, putting down two platters on Sam’s coffee table. “Told you it wouldn’t take long.”

“I swear that in another life you were an Instagram blogger, Barnes. Jesus.” His platter looks like the picture on a menu at some overpriced Brooklyn brunch spot.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. ‘Thank you’ are the words you’re actually looking for.”

“No, no, I think I said everything I needed to say,” Sam says as he reaches for the bowl of chips

Sam smiles when Bucky huffs, but that smile fades away when Bucky reaches for the remote.

“Actually Bucky, I, uh一can you not turn on the TV? I wanna...I need to talk to you about something.”

Bucky turns to him immediately, gray eyes slightly wider than usual. “Sure. What’s up?”

Sam can almost hear Aaron’s voice in his ear.

 _Be honest. Take your time. You’re allowed to go for the things you want_.

“I...I don’t know how to do this,” is the first thing that comes out of Sam’s mouth and Sam winces internally. Smooth _._

_At least I got the honesty part down._

“You don’t know how to do what?”

“I have...there’s something I want,” Sam says. “But I’m not sure how to go about asking. I’m not sure I can ask.”

There’s a slight frown on Bucky’s face. “Why not?”

“Because I wasn’t sure I deserved it. I’m still not sure,” Sam says, his voice growing quiet.

Bucky looks away for the first time, and Sam can’t read the expression on his face. “You一you deserve everything. Anything and everything you want. I hope you know that.”

“I’m not sure about that,” Sam says, going for the truth again, “but I’m working on it. And I don’t一I don’t need _everything_. I don’t want everything. I want this one, particular thing. With一with you.”

Bucky’s neck must hurt with how fast he looks back up at Sam. “With me?”

Sam nods, the hope he never knew he could feel pushing him forward. “With you. I want...I want一” _You’re allowed to go for the things you want. You’re allowed to actively work for your happiness. You’re allowed to be happy._ “I want us to be together, Bucky, I一I want us to be together for real. To一to date, and come home to each other and一and _be_ together. I know we can’t do it all at once, I know it takes time, but I want all of it with you. It’s why一it’s why I couldn’t ask. Because I think一because I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” _Since Riley_ is left unsaid, but Sam knows Bucky hears it. “Because I haven’t felt this...this seriously in a while and I don’t一I didn’t think I was allowed to want this much.” Sam feels out of breath, feels like he’s almost revealing too much, but there’s one last thing he needs to say. “Because I...I want you to _stay_ Bucky. With me. For as long as you can. For as long as you want to.”

Bucky’s quiet, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Bucky could be the quietest man on Earth when he wanted to, Sam would be worried. After a moment, though, he reaches for Sam’s hand and looks up at him, worried. “Are一are you sure? I know I’ve been...I know you know how I feel about you. But this is一you don’t have to一”

“I don’t know if you’ve looked in the mirror lately, Barnes, but you don’t look half bad.” Bucky huffs a little, and Sam smiles, happy that his joke landed. “I’m not doing anything because I _have_ to, okay?”

Bucky’s frown finally leaves his face. “Okay. Okay,” he says again, like it’s sinking in this time. “You want us to be in a relationship? A committed relationship.”

“Eventually, yeah. I really一I’d really want that to happen.”

There. It’s all out, and Sam only felt like he was going to die twice. Even though Bucky hasn’t responded yet, Sam feels some tension leave his shoulders.

A few more moments go by before Bucky reaches for Sam’s other hand. “I...you mean the world to me, sweetheart.”

Sam tries his very best not to fucking _swoon_ at the endearment and swallows hard. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Bucky says with a smile.

“So...yes?”

Bucky smiles wider, and Sam’s poor heart really can’t handle any more of this. “Yes. To all of it.”

“...oh.”

“Oh?”

“ _Oh_. You一you want this. With me. _Oh_.”

Bucky laughs softly and moves closer. Sam has stopped worrying about his heart at this point, because if that’s the way he goes, he really doesn’t mind.

“I want this. With you. Are you really that surprised?”

“A little bit, yeah.” Sam shrugs. “I didn’t...I didn’t really think about this part.” It’s true. Between worrying about getting rejected and worrying about getting the words out in the first place, Sam didn’t really think about the end result. About getting what he’s wanted for so long. About maybe, for once, getting to be _happy_.

Bucky nods like he gets it一which he probably does. One thing he and Sam have in common that Sam wish they didn’t is first hand experience in just how fucked up life can be.

Bucky clears his throat. “Do you...I can go now, if you want.”

“Really, Barnes? Leaving when things finally get good?” Sam can’t help but smile when Bucky rolls his eyes.

“I’m trying to be respectful of your boundaries and your vulnerability, asshole. Sue me for being considerate.”

“If I want you to leave,” Sam says, moving himself even closer to Bucky, “I’ll let you know, okay? For now, I’d be down for some Netflix, those snacks you so graciously put together, and some cuddling一if you want to.”

Bucky’s eyes soften as he smiles, and Sam feels just a tad breathless. “I want to.”

Just a few minutes later, they’ve settled on a TV show and Bucky starts feeding him the chips and salsa he’d brought in what seems a lifetime ago. As Sam leans back into Bucky’s chest, he remembers how they were in a similar position months ago, when Bucky had taken care of him for an afternoon. Well, physically, they’re in the same position. Emotionally...things are different.

Sam’s world didn’t turn into a utopia overnight, and he still has ways to go at work, with his therapist, and with his family. But maybe, Sam thinks as Bucky starts running his hands up and down Sam’s arms, maybe he’ll let himself have the things he wants. Maybe...maybe even more than once.

  
**End**.

**Author's Note:**

> I had *zero* intentions of making this a series/writing a sequel to that first fic, but I was reading a [really good fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9935894) from one of my favourite Sambucky authors where at the end, Sam asks Bucky to stay一I got inspired. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, feel free to leave comments, as always.
> 
> Title from Stay by Rihanna & Mikky Ekko. 
> 
> I am on [Tumblr](https://targaryenmelodrama.tumblr.com) if you wanna drop by!


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